Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”