Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me linking you to my twitter
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Growing up was a huge mistake
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome