A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.