Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh