I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
You Might Also Like
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Not all heroes wear capes…
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
#catsoftwitter
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*