CUTE CAT‼︎
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.