A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Are you dating a bunch of bees?