[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
This why you should mind your business
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?