{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!