Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare