Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
#dnd #ttrpg
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.