JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30