JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
why isn’t he texting back
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob