80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Every work call, he judges.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you