Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?