“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”