“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
the council will decide your fate
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
This is a bad sign
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!