JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.