Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder