Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!