[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?