Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
#Caturday
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing