Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton鈥檚 so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Give me a minute, I鈥檓 still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 馃ズ
Me two kids later: Oh.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.