Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.