Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?