Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.