stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.