COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet