Are you a cat person or a person person?
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn