@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
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@MatCro: [heaven] IAN: I only regret the things I didn't do ME: Me too I: Like, I didn't swim with dolphins. You? M: I didn't stop poking a bear
@CornOnTheGoblin: A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today "Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent
@Home_Halfway: The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
@HeyZeus666: I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.