@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@MsLighthouseCat: Texans can't comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

@DanMentos: "Bob's coming over" Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop? *knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE *flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"

@philandher96: "It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash." ~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied

@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!