@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
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@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
@ShadyLadyHH: I'm basically Switzerland. I'm cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] "Have any questions?" Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?