@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@MsLighthouseCat: Texans can't comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
@DanMentos: "Bob's coming over"
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he's a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* "Bob from work"
@philandher96: "It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash."
~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied
@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that
THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!
COMMENTS