I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I was bored.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.