whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.