[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Finally! 😈
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The funk soul brother
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*