Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
so i’m at the stock market right
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.