Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
You Might Also Like
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
This is Sparta
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
you stereotypes are all alike
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
marvel comics have peaked
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on