[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
getting old is fun
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.