[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.