It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.