[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Running from your problems is cardio .
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.