[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
You Might Also Like
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.