Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.