[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
May have had one breakfast too many
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity