Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
You Might Also Like
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.