A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.