JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Not all heroes wear capes.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby