@RidiculousSheri: Jesus has seen me naked and that's why he made me funny.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
@BubblesnBooze: Him: How would you describe yourself? Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.