Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Reporter: *ports again*
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english