*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
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