Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
You Might Also Like
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.