jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
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Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
is this a warning or an offer?