Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.