Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
You Might Also Like
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.